Yesterdayish, I was so off, so crazy, mean and restless and altered by waves of intense emotion.
I took everything personally, felt like people hated me and who cares cause I hated them and nothing was right anyway and no point existed, ever. I looked around and couldn’t believe my day and my life and wondered what was good about any of it. I thought I was the master at seeing the good in people, but not this day. Where did that vision go?
More than a hundred times I had to stop myself from blowing things up, from reacting to a comment or a situation or one of my passing thoughts.
Not acting, even when the delusional thoughts seemed so clear and right… that’s really hard work.
Thankfully, I’ve already journeyed thru the phase of making a huge mess of my life by riding my crazy rollercoaster and I’d paid the price… the experiences have sturdied me and given me the wisdom to know better.
When I know better, I typically try to do better.
Instead of action, I remained as committed as possible to just chopping the wood in front of me, leading my day and my moments with the plan already in place.. a plan designed when I was sane and rational. I guarded myself from any decision-making and forced myself to not trust my thoughts.
I knew this too would pass, it always does.
The question isn’t about the crazy coming or going… the question for me is, will I create a mess while it’s here or will I walk my path with diligent mindfulness and use all the tools and wisdom and practice I’ve gathered for just this purpose.
By the end of the day, without a single blow up or reaction, the crazy passed and now can’t even imagine how I was thinking those things.
I looked back on all the days and times where this emotion and wounded mind drama would have tail spinned me… where my reactions to these unsubstantiated feeling would have caused problems and struggle for days or weeks or lifetimes after…. a wake of drama and nonsense all hinged on an illusion generated from my wounded mind.
What a shitshow.
It’s amazing the clarity of this and the realization of how powerful my thoughts are and how inaccurate they can be.
Even a day later, I feel the lingering thoughts trying to surface… trying to come get me again and turn my world upside down.
All I can do is commit to non-reaction in this moment, for this second. I can’t do it any longer than that— the delusion is so powerful I could get taken away again.
This is why I practice.
Again and again.
This is why I simply must wake up each day and recommit to tools and principles that guide me. The practice, the commitment, the intention—that’s what matters… and that’s what saves my ass over and over again.
Long ago I learned how to live one day at a time, but as I’ve matured and recognized just how crazy I can be, sometimes a day is a lifetime and I have to surrender to an hour, or a minute, or a moment.
“This is how we go on: one day at a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time. Dentists go on one root-canal at a time; boat-builders go on one hull at a time. If you write books, you go on one page at a time. We turn from all we know and all we fear. We study catalogues, watch football games, choose Sprint over AT&T. We count the birds in the sky and will not turn from the window when we hear the footsteps behind us as something comes up the hall; we say yes, I agree that clouds often look like other things – fish and unicorns and men on horseback – but they are really only clouds. Even when the lightening flashes inside them we say they are only clouds and turn our attention to the next meal, the next pain, the next breath, the next page. This is how we go on.”~ Stephen King