My body and I are in a near constant state of disagreement.

My body likes a more gentle transition to things, to warm up to a workout, to slowly wake and gradually fall asleep.

I don’t ever offer my body what it desires.  I subscribe to the die tired approach to life because I think we’re vitally needed to serve and must get a move on.

I want things now, I want to roll out of bed and instantly be in my day, to keep running till the moment I lay down, then I want to immediately be asleep.

I hate transition, mostly.

When?  Now.  Why? Who cares.  Squirrel! Go!

I prefer the cold turkey approach to just about everything.  I don’t want to gradually work on something, to create a plan that has sequential steps and a process.  If we decide, let’s go. Right now.  Yesterday.


All or nothing.

If I take an aspirin and am not immediate relieved of my discomfort, I proclaim it’s “not working”.

I’m comfortable with the 40-hour workweek but my desire and peak performance comes from working all 40 hours in one sitting making way for an equally intense run at some healthy down/adventure time.

All work.

All play.

Either, or.

In, or out.

I’ve tried to change all this, to live the balanced life people talk about and seem to revere… This balance thing, I actually think it’s a state of always moving.. it’s not a still point.  If I stand on a ball, I balance by leaning a slight bit this way, then that way.

If I stand still I’m on my ass in a moment.

Balancing, the art of intentionally moving, that’s me.

I’ve decided I can only love myself when I learn who I really am and this is who I really am, like it or not.

This nature of mine, it’s high octane and I’ve often been told it’s in contrast with a meditative existence and the cultivation of a deep spiritual life….  I certainly understand how people could make that assumption.  I don’t fit any Zen-Yoga-Namaste bla bla bla stereotype and I sure hear a lot about slowing down and taking “time out for time in”.

Many of the wisdom people I know, the books I read… people whom I notice have a deep radiance and inner joy that I admire… they are contemplative, they live in simplicity, they are in silence often, they serve humanity with a gentleness that is inspiring.

They seem to walk and breathe and live gently on the earth whereas I seem to rumble into town kicking up dust.

For a long time, the peace and radiance I desired seemed to be an impossibility for my nature, a hindrance I couldn’t overcome…  after all, I’ve been in yoga class a hundred times or more and when they get to the end for savasana, the part everyone LOVES and we get to lay still and breathe, I position my mat so I can look at the clock.   All that relaxation has percolated ideas in my mind and I can’t wait to run the hell out of there to get a move on.

I’ve been on 10-day silent retreats and found the most sacred authentic deep vibe and had the most enlightened experiences—- until I just can’t take it anymore and I bolt.. (in fact, I’ve been known to keep all my shit packed so that I can leave in a hurry in case some awesome idea rolls thru my consciousness and I can go create something that will help people… )

I have a “go” bag in my closet.  I can be from idea to airport in no time flat.

I bumped into some people just today who have an organization they call “slowcoast” and they have started an entire movement on the art and holiness of doing things slow….    They revere slowness saying, “slowly is holy”….  I loved them and the whole idea and as I sped away I thought of a million marketing ideas for them that would create awareness and branding much faster than the ……. Oops…. There I go again.  See my dilemma?

Even a few years ago, I wouldn’t have written this out of shame for who I am.  What I’m claiming as my true nature could easily fit the profile of an ambitious, stressed out over achiever with an ADD label and described as “running” from something…. But today, I’ve done enough work to know myself and can own who I am.

I’m all the craziness I’ve described.. and, I’m much of what the gentle holy people describe.  I guess the packaging is just different for me.   With the awareness of who and how I am, I can let go of the judgment that plagued me for so long and I can just surrender to the fact that I’m high octane.  Someday, perhaps I’ll crave slowness and revere in the gentleness of things…. perhaps someday I’ll appear a little more like all my dear monk friends…. however today, I believe embracing my nature and honing it’s unique benefits and directing it towards noble, good works is really quite alright.non conformity

I talk to people everyday who don’t look the part, don’t play the part.  They don’t love whom society says they should.  They don’t talk the mainstream talk.  They don’t see the world as black and white…. I listen to their struggle and witness the suffering.  It’s easy for me to identify with.    We work together to transform the shame into acceptance and surrender to the mystery and beauty of our authentic selves…. Low speed, high-speed, crazy, sane, boring, interesting, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful, gay, straight, up, down……  it’s all real and real is all there is. Perhaps I’ll describe myself simply as High Octane Zen… but then again, I’m sorta over having to describe myself as anything so I’ll give that up also…………

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